Friday, January 22, 2010

struggles.

lets talk about struggles for a little bit.

I'm at that stage around that 2 and a half week hump that it really starts hitting home. I am just now getting over what started as a cold in Lubbock and accumulated to Bronchitis here. Tonight was the first time I could actually breathe and I was in a building with several smokers. Okay, I'm going to complain for a little bit...

I miss my family terribly. I feel like I never talk to Mom or Dad. I talked to them at the minimum once a week in Lubbock, and even then it was more like every other day. Okay guilty...sometimes everyday. I love them so its okay. I'm independent for the most part give me some credit. I get annoyed with skype because the internet here is so sketchy that the call is dropped at least 7 times in a 20 minutes period. Then when we are on skype we don't usually talk about the stuff that was on my mind all day to tell them I always forget, which is sooo incredibly frustrating.

I miss my friends. I miss game nights. Nights where we could all hang out whether we were in a big group or just me, Amy, and Diana sleeping together in her tiny full bed. I miss that every single one of my friends are Christian and that we lift each other up daily. Here, even some of the people I got to school with, there are some that are non believers and it is so hard to reach out. My roommate declares her faith, and when I invited her to go with me to a university ministry when we get back to the states said "mmmm no, I feel bad going in there when everyone is a devout Christian and I'm just not willing to give up the things that I do." What do I say to that? I try talking to her daily about Christianity, but I also don't want to push her. Amy, you are the very best roommate ever. I can't wait to live with you too Diana next year. I miss the community that everyone brought when we were all together. The fact that we can have enormous surprise birthday parties and not a single alcohol beverage has to be present.

I miss my boyfriend. Wow- we've only been dating 2 months and he has become one of my best friends. How can I not miss someone who loves and cares for me daily. Someone who makes me laugh and comforts me all the time. Someone who shares the same interests I do. Someone who introduces me to new friends every day. Someone who can dance, play basketball, and run with me. Someone who can cuddle with me when we're watching a movie and holds my hand walking down a street. I pretty much loath the distance factor. He is so patient and he makes an effort to talk to me on skype whether he has to get up at 7am or stay late at work. He is so selfless and so full of God's joy. I love him.

Being sick has put a hug damper on my entire persona. No one here knows my true character with the exception of Greg and maybe Ricky, but he's never around. Everyone knows me as the girl who never goes out even though she'sinvited daily. She is funny and witty in poetry class, and smart and quick in Spanish class without having to study. She goes home and reads her bible or the Odyssey that we have to read for poetry class. The thing is....I haven't wanted to go out because being sick is one thing, but having enflamed lungs and your bronchial tubes practically closes only breathing about 65% of what is normal kind of puts a damper on an outgoing mood. Because I don't really trust many of the people here it is hard for me to let loose and just throw myself in a situation I'm not comfortable in. Why do I not drink?..because I was in that scene my first semester in college..I found out pretty quick that my face doesn't belong in that picture at that bar with that drink in my hand. I found a much more pleasing means of making fun, and it usually doesn't cost a dime or a guilty conscience.

Tonight, I went out to the most massive club I've ever seen. It has 3 stories, 7 or 8 bars, 3 dance floors, velvet couches...the works. So modern. I sat there for 2 hours doing absolutely nothing with 3 of my friends. Right as I was falling asleep they insisted on going to another bar which woke me up. I had nachos while they had 2 shots and beer. Food is my alcohol! We hung out for a bit then walked back to the club. Then we finally started dancing after the club started filling up and more and more of our friends found us. Me and greg tore it up once on the dance floor doing a little salsa. I actually started getting into the dancing just doing my own thing when a cute Spanish guy walked up to me and asked me if I wanted to dance. I said no sorry. I felt bad but I'm completely devoted to Josh. haha Greg was mean... he told him to go away when he could have danced with the whole group. Greg did give me a high five though for completely rejected this guy who had the nerves to come and ask me. This made me a little more upset that Josh wasn't here...I needed a dancing partner...I can't hardly stand it. Too make the night even better I went up to the bar and asked for un vaso de agua ( a glass of water) and she said no, no tengo. (I dont have that) then I asked for a fanta or a coke or anything and she wouldn't sell it to me without alcohol. If I cussed I would have at her in that moment. It was so ridiculous. So I was ready...I left and took a cab by myself home...I only had 5 euros and I told the taxi driver so that maybe he would drop me off and I could walk the rest of the way...nope. He stopped at an atm and made me withdraw money. I paid 8 euros and 60 cents. That is soooooo much for a taxi ride in Seville. I was so mad...he let the meter run while I was at the atm machine and it started at 3.50 because its a Friday.

So I'm just tired of being the downer that never goes out. I KNOW how to have fun without drinking.... I'm struggling with what to do at night. I'm getting close to everyone because I don't go out, but I'd rather sit in my room, read, and get closer to the Lord than be in an atmosphere where I feel completely out of place putting me in a position to test my morals, my relationship, and my endurance. Its hard staying up until 4 in the morning.

Not to mention with this whole sick thing, I've gone to the doctor twice and I have to go back on Monday to do blood work. On top of that, my poetry class requires reading where we have to read on average 60 to 70 pages every 2 days. Thats a lot.

I just need prayer. I'm homesick, but not because I'm in Spain...its because I don't know what to do as a Christian. I do need prayer, advice, and encouragement.

love to all.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

I read this just today by Helen Steiner Rice and it came to mind when I read your post...

Have you ever been caught in a web you didn't weave,
Involved in conditions that are hard to believe?
Have you felt you must speak and explain or deny
A story that's groundless or a small, whispered lie?
Have you ever heard rumors you would like to refute
Or some telltale gossip you would like to dispute?
Well, don't be upset for God knows the score
And with God as your judge you need worry no more,
For men may misjudge you but God's verdict is fair.
For He looks deep inside and He is clearly aware
Of every small detail in your pattern of living
And always He's lenient and fair and forgiving--
And knowing that God is your judge and your jury
Frees you completely from man's falseness and fury,
And secure in this knowledge let your thoughts rise above
Man's small, shallow judgements that are so empty of
God's goodness and Greatness in judging all men.

You are in a good place, my sweet girl. Just walk through it. Read and re-read Isaiah 40:31. I so love you*

-Mom

katie said...

My sweet Elise.

Know that you are always in my prayers!!! I ask that my Father guides you and I praise Him for placing a friend like you in my life!

I know this sounds weird, but after reading this I was jealous of you. You are so blessed to be in this uncomfortable situation. You have been forced to rely completely on your creator. Collapse into His arms and let Him carry you through this.

Be patient with those around you as Christ is patient with you. Love those around you as Christ loves you. Embrace every person you encounter, even the bartender and taxi drive, because they are Gods creation and He loves them so much.

As for the non or confused believers . . . just love them. Elise, your love could not possible push them away. Show them that God and even true believers who just want to stay home and read their Bibles still loves and excepts them even if they are not willing give up the things they do. Most importantly . . . just be you. Anyone who encounters the Elise I know and love will be blessed to have had a life changing experience.

A happy heart is good medicine. - Proverbs 17: 22


I love you. Get well. Come home soon.

Katie Nelson

Stacy said...

They just don't know !!!
They don't know HIM, and they don't know You !!!

I love you ! Aunt Paulette

Anonymous said...

elise! why are we not friends?!

i promise you, i said almost this EXACT thing to my parents and boyfriend this week.

my roomie and i just sit in our bunkbeds and read or do boring stuff on week nights, but on weekends please call me if you want to hang out! i usually just tag along with people and it's usually fine, but always kind of lonely...basically exactly what you wrote.


i'll look for you at school chica, I can't wait to get to know you better!
-julie hartsfield

Deidra said...

Praying for you sweet girl. Hang in there God has such big plans for you while your in Spain he is growing you and teaching you to rely fully on him. Something that is not easy when we are in our comfort zone everyday. We love you.